For here we have no continuing city. . .

The Puzzle

2011-06-02T12:43:00.001-07:00

I had intended to write a few more blogs about the “unexpecteds” that we encountered on vacation (like the fresh bear tracks, fur, and feces that kept us from continuing our hike; or like the herd of deer meandering down the street as we were hiking through town) and post the pictures that went with them. However, so much has happened since we got home and there is so much to reflect on that I might just have to hold those thoughts to myself for now.

What I want to talk about right now are jigsaw puzzles. My parents and I have always loved doing them and I remember often coming home to a new puzzle laid out on the card table. (I also remember a bird we had that totally frustrated my dad because it liked to steal and destroy the pieces.) I have a certain way that I like to do a puzzle – the easy way. First I do the entire border and then I start filling in the middle pieces by color and pattern.
Today I was picturing life as a jigsaw puzzle. We are given all these pieces of differing shapes and colors. The border pieces are put together first and I imagine that those are the pieces of our growing up years that form the shape and outline of our picture. We then spend the rest of our life filling in the middle patterns and colors to complete the picture of who we are to become.
But imagine that you are given a box of jigsaw pieces that are completely blank – no colors or pictures, just plain white- and to make matters worse many of the border pieces are missing. It would be frustrating if not impossible to put the border together, and therefore a staggering impossibility to make sense of the middle pieces.
That blank jigsaw puzzle is a wonderful depiction of my life. With so much of the border missing and no color or substance to help define a picture, for almost 50 years I’ve been unable to grasp who I am or to make sense of how the pieces fit together. But recently God has been doing an amazing work that almost defies description. All I can say is that He is beginning to hand me the rest of the border pieces and to add color and pattern to what is there. There is suddenly a border to my life – pieces and colors and patterns that I’ve desperately needed to add shape to who I am and who I am becoming are being found. And that border is now helping me to put so many of the other pieces into the place they belong and to make sense of the overall picture. It is like an epiphany the way the pieces are suddenly finding their place and the picture is beginning to take shape. All I can say is “God is Awesome!”
I will turn 50 in a few months. I know that for some people, that is a difficult birthday, and for some even a mid-life crisis time. Not for me. Right now I feel like I’m undergoing some kind of new birth, a resurrection, a coming together into who I am and who I am created to be. There’s no way I can feel that I’m in “mid-life” when I am just beginning to feel more alive than I ever remember being.
As I said, “God is awesome!”

Unexpected #1

2011-05-24T08:56:00.000-07:00

There were lots of "unexpecteds" on this trip to Colorado. The first was an unexpected snow. The forecast the week before had looked ideal for hiking so we showed up in our shorts, shoes, sweatshirts, and backpacks. Ha! Suddenly there is a forecast for a big wet snow (which the locals rejoiced about. I guess it had been a dry, windy, and strange spring for that area.) So, the inner nudgings moved us to a different lodging for the next few days. It was a wonderful motel we had stayed at before, complete with an indoor pool and hot tub, and fresh cookies, coffee, and tea in the afternoons. They had a mid-week special on a king jacuzzi room, so we took it, moved in and hunkered down for the snow storm. It was AWESOME! We swam, soaked, played cards, talked, read, slept, and thoroughly enjoyed watching the snow coming down outside. Usually I want to hike, hike, hike. But this time I was so content to just watch the snow and rest. (God knew what we both really needed.) It was a good heavy wet snow. I have to confess that I was impressed by Woodland Park -they are on the ball when it comes to handling snow and cleaning the streets.
To be continued. . . .

First Blog About Vacation

2011-05-24T08:33:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of reflecting about our recent trip to Colorado. Bear with me if there are numerous blogs about that trip.
This trip to Colorado was different for us for many reasons. #1 We had originally planned on going to the ocean, BUT in searching our hearts we realized we NEEDED the mountains. #2 We went as soon as we could out of desperation. #3 We just went - no plans, no reservations, no real destination.
It took us two days just to get from Salina to Colorado Springs. We were both just so exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally that we had to stop in Colby, KS to spend the night.
I'm glad we stopped because that way we hit the mountains in mid-afternoon. It's always so amazing to get there. This time it was cool to see what we thought were masses of clouds hanging in the distance but discovered were actually lots of snow on the mountains. Indescribable! As is the feeling I get every time we arrive - when I hit the mountains I get that "coming home" feeling.
We called Zac to do an internet search for us about a place we thought we'd stay at in Colorado Springs (I was leaning toward supper at a jazz club - thought that would be an awesome experience). However, the inner nudgings moved us on and we ended up in Woodland Park (a small community - a pass through to other places). Our first few nights were spent in a lodge - kinda like a B&B and motel combination.

One of the things I love most about vacation is the people I meet. At the lodge, we met Judi. Judi was awesome (and she made the world's best waffles.) I tend to like to really dig to get to know people whenever I can and I got to know Judi over breakfast one morning. Judi's story was cool and she'll probably never know how much she encouraged me that day. Her story is one of the steps it took to find her place and "falling into" a job that she is just so designed for. She gave me renewed hope that all the pieces that are happening in my world are being designed and put into place to prepare me for what God has ahead.
To be continued. . . .

Beautiful Babies

2011-05-20T16:41:00.000-07:00

Mr. Ri-Ry

Miss Muffin

An Afternoon with Ri-Ry.

2011-05-20T16:22:00.001-07:00

Now where did you say my mommy and daddy went?

Yep, I can do carrots.

Granny wore the little man out.

Everyone feels good after a nap.

A Day with Miss Muffin

2011-05-18T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sliding in the park.

Climbing in the park.

Swinging with Granny.

Tired from beating up Grandpa.

Just being Raegan.

A Blog that Wrote Itself

2011-02-05T06:15:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night that was really strange and somewhat distressing. In the dream, my parents had this huge contraption (I'm not even sure what it was), and my job was to take it all apart and fit it back into its original box. If you've ever tried to put anything back in its original container, then you know what I was facing. The contraption was HUGE and the box was slim and narrow. The task was virtually impossible, and I woke up in the middle of trying, kind of tired and out of sorts.
I know from Joseph in the Bible that some dreams have an underlying meaning. I've been thinking about it this morning and wondering if this is one of those dreams. Maybe the dream signifies how I feel about everything that's been happening these many months. The situations have been big (and not of all them are just about my parents). I've been trying to systematically break things down and deal with what pieces I can. I've been trying to make things fit into a pattern that is managable and frankly, sometimes there is no pattern and manageability. Most days I feel like I'm just wingin' it, I don't know what to do, and I'm often left feeling that I haven't done enough. I just do the next thing to the best of my ability (sometimes after turning in circles wondering what the next thing is).
I always thought that this time of life (post empty nest) would be easier. I had visions of what Dick and I would be doing. . . .this wasn't in my visions. Things were hectic when the kids were home, yet life was more defined. With kids, you usually know what the next thing is. There are mileposts to meet, activities, events, lesson plans, but everything has a course and somewhat defined outcome. I basically had an overall picture of where we were going and what I had to do. Each day "fed" itself into accomplishing the next milestone.
Now everything feels muddled. I don't know where we're going, and it feels like the dreams we did have have been religated to a foggy back burner where maybe they simmer but we just can't see them. Often it seems there's a crisis here and a crisis there, and I just have to put out fires (or patiently sit by while they burn themselves out.)I do still spend each day thanking God for all the little blessings, but I also spend a great deal of time fighting doubts. (The voices in my head have been uglier lately, too.) I find I'm more tired and I fear I'm forgetting how to laugh. (In fact, if I had any prayer request at this moment, it would be that God would bless me with a real belly laugh. I haven't done that in a long time.)
I think I'm going to re-read Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People." It's an excellent and inspiring read. He talks about the 4 quadrants in which we live our lives, and I know that I am spending too much time in Quadrant 1 (the crisis quadrant) and that is detrimental to my health. I need some inspiration, some impetus to get me back into a healthy outlook and daily walk. I just have this feeling that if I keep in the track I'm in, it's not going to be good. This blog is a revelation in itself. How I got from describing a dream to my need to re-read a book shows you the convoluted path my days and thoughts seem to take.
In thinking it through, maybe the meaning of the dream is really not about my parents but about me. I was (and often am) trying to live within the expectations of others (my parents wanted the contraption put back into its original box.) The dream would have played out so much better if I had just followed my instincts and gone and bought a bigger box to put the contraption in. I know that I am too much of a people pleaser, always wanting everyone around me to be happy. Somehow, I think, I need to figure out how to bury my fears that if I let people down, they'll stop loving me. Just because they judge my actions or choices as wrong in their eyes, it doesn't mean I'm wrong. Who are they to judge me any way? I have a Master that I stand or fall to.
Life is squeezing me and grinding me right now. And I think maybe it's time that I stood up. Maybe it's time I grew up. Maybe it's time I went out and bought a bigger box and instead of giving in to everyone else's expectations, it's time I did it my way.

Confession Time

2011-01-27T16:08:00.000-08:00

I want to make a confession. Okay, here goes. . . . . .I am wrapped. I’ve thought before that maybe I was and I was a little concerned. But today. . . . well, today I found out that there is no maybe about it.
Yes, I am definitely wrapped – wrapped so tightly around this sweet baby’s little finger that I’m surprised she gets any blood flow through it. If she could say the word “jump”, I would be asking “how high?” on the way up.
I got to be Granny-Nanny today because little Miss Muffin was sick. Yes, she was at times cranky and out of sorts – who wouldn’t be with nasty diarrhea. But it was nevertheless an absolutely wonderful day. We played and played and played. She was so precious. Each time she wanted me to do something with her or for her she would smile and sign the word “please”. How could I possibly say “no” to her – EVER? It was obvious that she didn’t feel well because she needed lots of hugs and snuggling. We rocked and sang and rocked and snuggled, and each time she would tuck her little head under my chin and snuggle up against me. . . . .. my heart just melted inside my chest.
Yep, I gotta confess that she's got me wrapped. But I discovered over the lunch hour that I'm not the only one. . . . .

30 years of Photos

2011-01-23T08:10:00.001-08:00

Five days ago I undertook a task that, well, feels like it's taking me under. I am trying to organize almost 30 years of photos - photos of love, marriage, children, family, and vacations. First, I scoured the house, looking everywhere imaginable for where we could have stashed a picture. (Just when I think I have them all, though, I find more.) Then I began to organize them according to a time frame. Now I am attempting to put them in order in books. As I go, whenever I am in Salina, I am hitting either Sam's or Walmart to recopy some of the pictures that aren't looking so good.

The pictures I'm posting on my blog are really not a good representation of how immense the task has been, simply because I "cleaned up" a little before I took the pictures. I should have taken a picture when I first started. Oh my. . . . . my house was a disaster.

This is obviously one of those tasks that incorporates a mixture of emotions. I have laughed, snorted, and even gotten teary-eyed as my memory has been prodded by a photo. I've felt extreme frustation from having organized photos into a book, only to find a whole stack of photos that require me to reorganize to fit them in. But mostly I feel a sense of accomplishment. It's like I'm organizing my life and seeing just how wonderful it has been.
I've been so blessed; I am so blessed; and I've got pictures to prove it.

I'm Not a "Step"

2011-01-15T11:51:00.001-08:00

I've been thinking about the term "step" lately, as in step-parent or even step-grandparent. I wonder who coined that phrase and what exactly does it mean? Does it represent the fact that you are "one step slightly removed" from being a parent or grandparent? Is that "one step" basically your "rights" in the relationship? That's sure the way it seems.

I have been both a step-parent and a step-grandparent. In fact, right now, three of my five grandchildren are "steps". While biologically I might not have a connection to them, as far as my heart-strings go, we are one hundred percent connected. Take Miss Muffin and her big brother Zane. Raegan has been biologically mine from day one; Zane came into the family well beyond the diaper stage. Nevertheless, Zane is my first grandchild, my first grandson. I love that boy; I admire that boy; I pray for that boy; I worry about that boy; and I am oh so proud of him! He is my grandson.

Zane and I were discussing some "serious" things at Christmas, and in the discussion he brought up the fact that he and I will always have a special connection that I'll never share with any of my other grandchildren. We are video game buddies. Zane and I have spent lots of time bonding over video games. He loves the fact that he has a granny that will play video games with him; I love the fact that I have a grandson who is so patient with my foibles and inabilities that often cause him more grief than victory while we play.

I love MY grandson. I don't like, however, the fact that I could lose him. If anything ever happened to Luke (please God no!), I could still see Raegan any time I wanted. But I could lose my rights to see Zane. That is just not fair. In my heart I am not "one step removed" from Zane. My heart is ALL his.

If I feel this way, I can imagine what my daughter feels. Shannon is an amazing young lady and I admire so many things about her. She is sweet, smart, sensitive, and beautiful inside and out. She is also an amazing mother to both Zane and Raegan. There is no possible way that a "real" mother could love Zane more than Shannon has. She has trained, nutured, encouraged, disciplined, taught, and loved loved loved that boy from the time she entered his life. Put bluntly, part of the reason that Zane is the wonderful young man he is is because of Shannon. She has shown an amazing amount of love, perseverance, and commitment in a job where she is also often denied the rights and accolades she deserves because she's not the "real" mom.

And that's where the term "step" really rubs me. Shannon isn't "one step removed" - she's a real mom to Zane. And I'm not "one step removed" from Zane or Khloe or Koen - I love those three like nobodies business.

So what it comes down to is, there is no room in my world for the term "step". There is no such thing as being removed. In my world, when you love you love and family is family.

I am a "Granny" and there is no room before or after that word for anything else.

So just call me "Granny".

A Change in Thinking

2011-01-13T07:01:00.000-08:00

I had an epiphany this morning and it has made me change gears in my thinking. I've been job hunting for quite a few months now with no success. At first I took it personally - that no one was interested in an almost -50 woman with great talent but no experience. (I have been searching for an office job because I know that I am really good with bookkeeping and office type work.) I know from talking with others that the job market is tight and I was temporarily disgruntled that I wasn't even being given a chance. Then I began to relax and realize that, in truth, it was God shutting the doors because there were other things I needed to do right now. (I might not be working for an income right now, but I definitely have NOT been idle.) The Lord has been ever so gracious in meeting our needs (with left-over to share) and Dick and I both are relaxed with the idea that I have other business that needs doing at this period in our lives.
This morning I was communing with God and thanking Him for my life. I was expressing to Him how much I love this opportunity to serve others, for that's what I've been doing. And it hit me - that's what I'd love to do full-time. I want to be a servant.
I love making people's lives easier and better. I loved babysitting for my daughter during Miss Muffin's first year. I knew it allowed Shannon to rest easier as she returned to work and school, and I took little opportunities here and there to run errands and do a little cleaning so Shannon would have even more time to spend with her little one.
I love helping my mom right now. I do her laundry each week and clean and organize and even shovel snow. (Last week I moved all her clothes and organized her closet. It made her so happy and everything easier for her to find and reach, and she discovered she has more clothes than she ever realized.) I'm also working to keep her mind occupied. I go to the library each week and get her books on tape. She's working through a mystery series right now that she loves.
I've loved helping my daughter-in-law and son by cleaning and teaching and encouraging and helping to buy the things they need. I've been priveledged to help the friend of an acquaintance by cooking freezer meals for her to help her through chemotherapy. There have been so many opportunities for me to be "available" to help people. . . . and I'm finding that brings me great joy.
I love to clean and organize and cook and teach and shop and encourage. . . I love serving others. So. . . . . do I begin to apply to service organizations? Maybe an organization that assists the elderly or handicapped (maybe I shoudl renew my CNA)? Or maybe apply to Headstart or a daycare as an assistant?
Or do I start my own business? "Servant for Hire. Will clean, organize, cook, shop, tutor your kids. . . whatever you need to make your life easier."
Maybe I really don't want to work IN an office. I could still use my bookkeeping and other skills in a service way.
Hmmmm. . . . ..much to pray about.

Life's Simple Pleasures

2011-01-11T07:43:00.000-08:00

I have been snowed in the past few days (per my husband's instructions - he likes to be protective and he has strongly suggested that I stay home). Ihave to confess that it's been rather enjoyable. I've been puttering around here getting this and that done, cooking nutritous intertesting foods, and nurturing the birds and the outdoor cat. By nurturing I mean that I have dug pathways to the bird feeders and the bird bath and cleared a trail out to the shed where we have a straw lined "apartment" for our cat to find refuge in. I also go outside a few times a day to feed the cat and clean out and restock the bird feeders and to take boiling water out to clean out the bird bath and refill it. (I guess even though I'm an empty nester the need to nurture hasn't left me. lol)
The birds have paid me back in dividends. It has been so entertaining to watch them. They dash, they swing, they peck, they fight, they take turns. . . and above all they just seem so joyous and thankful to have such an abundance.
We recently checked out two bird books from the public library and Richard is keeping a notebook of what we identify. It has been both fun and enriching.
Yesterday I counted 12 Cardinals (male and female) lunching at the same time. This picture was taken through a window and doesn't do justice to the bright beautiful red plumage of this handsome guy. There is a definite pecking order amongst the birds. The Blue Jays are the loudest and most aggressive. . .until the red bellied woodpecker shows up. He is the king and everybody scatters when he arrives. The chickadees are the quickest and most spastic. The Cardinals definitely the brightest.
Watching birds. . . . one of life's simple pleasures. . .and another reminder of God's creativity and awesomeness.

Healthy Eating

2011-01-09T11:10:00.000-08:00

I have come to the conclusion that truly eating healthy is a HUGE committment. Everything I've read and studied says that to really eat healthy you have to turn away from all processed foods, find enticing ways to incorporate lots of veggies in your day, eat very little fats or meats (substituting beans for protein), and learn to cook the long way (from scratch with lots of herbs and spices).
I'm trying.
But man. . . .it's a LOT of work. I'm spending a lot more time in the kitchen and doing lots more dishes. The whole adventure is much like what I imagine visiting a gambling casino would be like - energizing, nerve wracking, and with the potential to be a real disaster.
This past week I developed what I call "Granny's Breakfast Cookie". Yummmm!!! They are chock full of fiber, vitamins and minerals, anti-oxidants, and are very healthy. They are moistened by plain yogurt and unsweetened appleasauce and are sweetend by Agave nectar (Agave is natural, low-glycemic, and so much better for you than any other sweetener I've found.)My husband LOVES them! (I took a really nice picture of them, however, my silly computer is being stubborn and won't download my recent photos.)
Today, I'm sitting here wondering if I am going to be as successful with my lunch recipe. I've just spent a great deal of time in the kitchen putting together "Collard Greens stuffed with Red Beans and Rice". Hmmmm. . . .lots of work. . .lots of dishes.. ..full of lots of wholesome goodness. . . .but not smelling as good as I'd like as they bake in the oven.
We shall see. . . . . .

Thoughts On Grief

2011-01-07T06:11:00.000-08:00

I want to reflect on grief in this post. There won’t be any pictures, just thoughts.
Grief is something that every human being faces at some time (in fact, multiple times) in his/her life. I’ve taken a few classes on grief, enough to realize that grieving is a process. There are stages to grieving (@ denial, pain, guilt, anger, depression, acceptance, etc) but not everyone passes through the same stages or grieves in the same way. I know that grieving is a process that can circle back on itself and repeat certain stages and conditions over and over at the most unexpected times. I know that grief can be depleting and overwhelming, but I think the thing that is most misunderstood about grieving is that it can be very healthy.
Whenever there is a loss in your life, you need to allow yourself to grieve. I don’t mean that you need to allow yourself to feel sorry for yourself or wallow in a pit of self-pity, but I do mean that you need to allow yourself to work through the varying emotions that grief brings. Acknowledging and dealing with each stage, recognizing what the grief is doing to your thinking, your emotions, and your choices is the best way to work through the pain in a healthy reconstructing manner. It’s also important to realize that any loss can bring grief, not just the loss that death brings. The loss of a job, a friendship, a relationship, a dream – any of these things can imbue you with that feeling of bereavement that brings on grief, and that grief needs to be acknowledged and dealt with. The severity of the loss, of course, will determine the depth of the grief, but nevertheless, it should all be given the credence it deserves.
I have been grieving quite deeply for some time now. I am attempting to do it well and in a healthy manner. I am exercising, trying to eat healthy, trying to rest and be still, pushing myself to do the next thing even when I don’t feel like it, surrendering to God what is not within my power to change, and allowing myself to feel and deal with what is in my heart and mind. (Note: I am attempting to do these things. Confession: I’m not always successful.) The hardest thing for me lately, however, is that I am grieving a number of “big” things all at the same time. This means that each factor has a different impact on me, each is in a different stage of grief and is cycling differently, and each is depleting my physical and emotional being. I have to confess that I’ve never felt so tired. I am fatigued to the very core of my being, body, mind, and spirit. Most of the time, I walk around feeling raw, wounded, naked, and exposed. To be honest, there are days that I don’t want to get up and walk around at all.
But I know that I need to grieve without giving in to the grief. I need to work it through, without letting it consume me. So I am doing what I’ve learned to do – I’m trying to redirect my thinking. I listen to praise music and redirect my thoughts to the One Who loves us unconditionally and Who is able to work all things to good. I practice thanksgiving. Each day, I try to notice all the little as well as big things in the day that I am so thankful for. I rejoice over the simple things like the Cardinals in the bird bath outside this noon. And I cut myself some slack by acknowledging that I can’t be all things to all people and that it’s not a sin to be weak as long as I am allowing God to be strong.
I am so very tired. I am grieving great losses and carrying deep wounds. But God IS still God and He WILL work all things together for good. . . . . . I believe that. And I also know that those who wait on the Lord renew their strength. So. . . . . I’m praying and waiting.

Alzheimers

2011-01-05T05:17:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a while since I blogged (and in the interim, I am sad to say, Chuck passed away so I am petless again.) After a little pressure from my daughter (and some wonderfully kind words), I've decided that I'm going to try to keep my blog up again.
I'll be honest - it has just been too difficult lately to try to put into words what I've been thinking. Grief is that way. . .and I have been grieving.
My Daddy has alzheimers. What can you say about alzheimers? Probably the most honest thing I can say is that it sucks! Someone I love and cherish is disappearing before my eyes. Physically he is deteriorating, and though I ache for the pains and hurts he is being nursed through, it is the disappearance of his wonderful personality that I grieve the most. He often lives in a fantasy world that I can't enter, and I so much miss his presence here with me.
My Dad has always been an interesting man. There's not enough space in this blog to go into all the wonderful aspects of "him", but I'll touch on a few. My Dad is at heart a mountain man. When we lived in New Mexico he loved hunting and gold panning in the mountains. I sometimes wonder if maybe I inherited my passion for the mountains from him. I sometimes wonder if moving from New Mexico to the flat lands might have taken a little of his heart away.
My Dad for a very long time was a motor cycle nut. In New Mexico, he and a neighbor used to build tote goats. Then when we moved to Kansas, Dad got a big motorcycle and my fondest childhood memories were of taking long rides in the country with him. Dad was careful and always made me wear a helmet, long sleeves and pants, and boots.
My Dad loved to learn. He was always reading something (or watching documentaries etc.) and he used to love to share with me the newest thing. My Dad was not always an easy man to live with but he changed significantly some years ago when Jesus took hold of him. His learning passion then turned to the Bible, and for many years he was a Sunday School teacher at his church.
A few years ago, I tried to get my Dad to let me tape his memories. I so wish he had said yes. He has led such an interesting life. I know there are many stories I've never heard, especially of his time in high security clearance in the air force. I know there's so much about my Dad that I never got to know, and I grieve that.
I'm not going to talk about the changes in my Dad in this post, about what alzheimers is doing to him. I just can't.
Instead, I just want to say that I am so grateful to God for having my Daddy adopt me and take me home. I've been priveleged to have the most amazing Daddy in the world. And I think that's why the grief has been so intense. To have someone so absolutely wonderful in your life and then to watch them disappear leaves a hole that you just don't know how to deal with.

Chuck

2010-08-04T12:52:00.000-07:00

I missed having a pet. . . and since Shannon won't let us take Raegan. .. and since we're planning a move and don't want to get a dog right now. . . and since I will NEVER have another indoor cat. . . and since I cannot yet afford to buy an alpaca. .. .I got "Chuck". Chuck is awesome!!! He's quiet and fairly tidy. He comes to the edge of the bowl when I gently lay my finger there. He's someone to talk to and he never gives me "lip". Don't let him fool you - he looks like a fish but eats like a pig.

2-years

2010-08-03T10:01:00.000-07:00

Today we are back to "reality" - I guess that's what you call your normal every day. Rich is at work and I am working on a home remodeling project. Never far from either of our thoughts, however, are images of the mountains. August 1 marked day one of our two-year plan. "Lord willing" we have set up a two-year goal of finishing and marketing our house and preparing for a move. I'm not going to say that THIS is what we are planning or THAT is what we are playing - our life is ultimately in God's hands and we desire for His plan for us to be fulfilled. We have a lot of things we are researching and I have a LOT of ideas playing around in my mind. I am also researching a lot of job opportunities for the hear and now and trying to understand what would be the best route for my future. Ultimately our desire is to relocate to Colorado in that two-year time BUT we want to hear what God wants for us. So we are praying, researching, preparing, and trying to live life with a much looser hand and a more temporary feeling.
It dawned on me yesterday, that that is how all of us should be living every day anyway - at least those of us who belong to the Father. After all, this is all just a temporary home. We are here for just a short while and we should be praying, researching, preparing, and trying to live life with a much looser hand and a more temporary feeling as we look to the life to come.
I'm not sure what the Lord will do or have us do down the road is in this life. We have dreams . . . .but a willingness to let HIS will come.

I'm not yet willing to share too many of my thoughts - I can't stand the idea of anyone laughing at my thinking. (Okay, I'll put this much out there - Would you think I was nuts if I said that I might want to raise alpacas?)
It's just nice to dream...and it's even fun to research and read and see what's feasible. ..and it feels right to pray and live with an open hand.

Swimming

2010-08-01T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was reminded on vacation just how cathartic swimming can be. (Catharsis - "a purifying or figurative cleansing of the emotions".) I think I might have mentioned that our hotel had an indoor pool (connected to an outdoor deck where you could drink your coffee in the morning and view the sun rising on the mountains). The pool rules where that only adults could swim from 7-8 am and two mornings I was the only adult. There is something very relaxing about slowly swimming laps, back and forth, no sound other than you in the water, no pressure, your muscles working in rhythm, anxiety melting to the bottom of the pool, your mind clearing, your spirit more intune to listening. Those times in the water were some wonderful moments for me.

I love the Colorado Mountains

2010-07-31T16:38:00.000-07:00

I think the thing I love the most about going to Colorado is . . .

I remember how to laugh . . .really laugh. And relax. . . .and let go. The mountains are a very "intense" reminder of God's power and majesty.

My husband "plays" more and is sillier. (Isn't his new hiking hat too great?!)

When I'm in the mountains I feel a sense of "coming home" (it's more than "being on vacation". It's the feel of the mountains and how I feel when I'm there. My dad thinks it's because I spent times of my babyhood and toddlerhood in the New Mexico mountains with him.)

I love the mountains. I really want to live there.

2010-07-27T14:38:00.000-07:00

Today has been incredible. In a nut shell:

Took an early morning swim all alone (our hotel has a pool and from 7-8am it is adults only - I was the only adult.)
We then went hiking.
We soaked our feet in the stream while eating a snack.
We watched a deer in the stream for quite some time and followed him up the mountain.
Once we were exhausted we retraced our steps and drove to a tiny town called Divide and ate barbeque outside on a picnic table watching the rain come over the mountains. (this bbq was different then what we get in Kansas. It's spicier and has very little sugar in the bbq sauce or slaw. It was different but GOOD.)

We came back to the hotel and laid out on the deck. Every afternoon they bake fresh cookies so we had a warm cookie snack.

And the days not over yet.

2010-07-26T15:07:00.000-07:00

Today we hiked around Woodland Park, including the hills behind our motel. We are trying to "acclimate" ourselves to the altitude before we hit the real trails tomorrow. This is a fun town to walk and with all the streets that go up and down and all around it's a good workout. I love how many of the buildings were built - I get into the Colorado style. This first picture is their awesome looking public library. The second building is the Ute Inn, a restaurant and bar. It is nothing to look at inside or out (VERY rustic) but the food, we discovered, is awesome and reasonable.
We were bumbed yesterday to realize that we had forgotten to pack our walking sticks. But, as always, the Lord provided at the beginning of our walk in the hills. It's a great stick - just the right height for me, though it doesn't fit my hand quite as well as the one Rich built for me. But I was so thankful for God's gift in the rougher spots. This little guy was was the first surprise we spotted on our hike.

This afternoon I swam (okay, I just played in the water) and Rich enjoyed the jacuzzi then we laid out in the sun on the back deck. Nice and relaxing (and lots of good vitamin D). I feel my spirit quieting some - it is good. The mountains are so beautiful and awe-inspiring - we are surrounded.

The Adventure Begins

2010-07-26T05:23:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged for a while but I hope to blog consistently for the next few days.

We began our adventure Saturday and it has been really nice. We stayed the first night in Colby - a quaint little town with a very clean friendly Super 8. Yesterday we stopped at a wonderful oldfashioned diner in Flagler, CO. It's called the I-70 Diner and a pink cadillac on a post announces its presence. It was originally shipped in from North Dakota and it is a wonderful place to eat. As old diners did, they serve up a lot of scratch cooking - um yummmmmmm.
I've begun reading a book "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People". It's excellent and really speaking to me. That and the Bible will be my "thinking directors" this trip.
Yesterday afternoon we finally reached the mountains. My first comment was a very loud "BOOOOO-YAAAAAH!" Every time we come here I feel like I've come home. I totally get why Jesus went to the mountains for refreshing. Drinking coffee this morning on the deck and watching the sun coming up - it kinda restored the sense of majesty and awe that I was missing inside.
Please pray for us. I have high hopes for this adventure. I need some clarity in my thinking. I need a vision of where God is taking us and what He desires. I need a release from the anxiety I've been carrying (like a toddler sitting on your chest) and I need freed from the nightmares that are disturbing my sleep.
Jesus escaped to the mountains to talk to His Father - I'm following His footsteps. I need this.

Busy Day

2010-06-24T12:12:00.000-07:00

Today was one of those "busy" days that had a lot of kinks in it. I had to pick up an expensive part that had been ordered to fix our Tracker. When I picked it up the guy dropped it. I immediately took it to where my husband works and he looked it over. Sure enough, it was broken, so I had to take it back to the parts store and explain to them that THEY had broken it AND I needed a new BY THE NEXT MORNING. I definitely don't like to be assertive like that (I am especially intimidated by dealing with men) but I pulled it off and the part will be here at 7:30 am with no extra charge to me.
Then I stopped by to cut my son's hair (he has two job interviews this afternoon). Well, it ended up that the grandkids needed cuts too (one cut and one trim) and that ended up being fun. The kids thought it was hilarious when I would "shoot" them with my water bottle that I brought to dampen hair. They are such beautiful babies, showing off their new looks.
I decided to do something different for exercise, so when I was done with the beauty shop, I went to the water park to water walk. (Yeah, Miss Raegan was at her swim lesson so I got to see her and her mommy while I was there.) The water walking was nice (though personally I think TOO expensive)and the ladies that do it were friendly. I do hurt this afternoon. Not from the water walk but from falling down in the parking lot when I was leaving. LOL
And so the day goes on with things to do and a financial conference and meeting until late this evening. Busy, busy, busy. And within all the activities the highlights were my kids and grandkids and the fact that I get to eat supper out with my hubby tonight.
I do love my family! What a blessing they are.

Parenting

2010-06-21T08:43:00.000-07:00

In 1997 James Dobson wrote a book called “Parenting Isn’t for Cowards”. I’ve never read the book, but I do believe that he nailed it with the title. Parenting is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever attempted. Although I think that Mr. Dobson was very astute in naming his book, I want to base this blog on the quote of someone whom I consider to be one of the wisest people I’ve ever known. I want to quote my mom.
As my kids were growing up and presenting me with the trials that each “stage” brings, I would sometimes share with my mom my frustrations and feelings of inadequacy. Numerous times throughout this time, my mom would tell me, “Just remember, Ruth, ‘Little kids, little problems; big kids, big problems.’” I thank God that at the time I didn’t understand what she was saying, because if I had I would have probably resigned while the kids were still in diapers.
My mom’s saying has proven to be true. When the kids were little, some days felt really long. Invariably somebody would wake up in an “off” mood and squabbles would ensue throughout the day. There was never enough time to clean up all the messes and I ended each day wondering if I had “done enough” as a mom. Looking back now, however, I realize how big the challenges really weren’t. Yes, the kids squabbled, but I had the authority to intervene. Yes people or feelings got hurt, but snuggling, kissing boo-boos, or “I’m sorry” fixed things. Yes, the house was often messy but it was as full of giggles and laughter as it was of toys and mayhem. And most days they got good food, naps, bathes, clean clothes, stories read, snuggles, kisses, hugs, prayers, and all the things that it took to make them contented and happy and healthy.
When the kids were in their teens things got much more complex. (The only thing that didn’t change is that I still ended each day wondering if I had done enough as a mom.) I still had a modicum of control and some power to intervene but their struggles and encounters with the world and with each other were not as easily fixed. They no longer wanted to snuggle, and the hurts they received and inflicted were not so easily kissed away. They no longer came to me with all of their questions and wonderings and occasionally they did not choose wisely who they did turn to for advice. Sometimes [and I never understood why] it was almost as if I had momentarily become the enemy. Nevertheless, we somehow bungled through those years and they all emerged fairly intact. Yes, like all adolescents they had some wounds and scars on their psyches, but all in all they came through with what appears to be a fairly healthy sense of self and the confidence to take on the world.
My kids are all adults now. . . and never have I felt parenting to be so challenging. Where I was once a key player in their lives, I am now only a bystander. I have no authority nor can I intervene to protect them from themselves or others. When they were little, if they were about to run into the street or make some type of dangerous or life changing move, I only had to yell “Stop!” and they would listen. Now, I can only sit on the sidelines and watch as they make irrevocable choices that permanently affect themselves and others.
When they were little, I loved them to distraction and built my world around them. Today, I still love them to distraction but my world has changed. The one thing that hasn’t changed is that I still end each day wondering if I did enough as a mom. I tried so hard to warn and prepare them, to share with them the wisdom I had gleaned from the mistakes I had made and the trials I had endured. I tried so hard to give them an undergirding they could cling to when life got stormy and ceased to make sense. I tried so hard to make them know how very much they are loved. I really did try hard, yet lately I’ve been second guessing myself and wondering if I’ve done enough.
I also find myself struggling with the concept that once your kids grow up there are no guarantees. When they are little, you automatically have relationship with them just by the fact that you are their authority and provision. But once they reach adulthood they then have the choice of whether there will be relationship or not. And if they choose to remove you from their life, there is absolutely nothing you can do.
My mom was right. When the kids were little I had little problems. I sometimes felt frustrated or inadequate but I was able to muddle through. Now that my kids are big, however, everything is more complex. Parenting adult children is very humbling and often leaves you feeling naked and vulnerable. Sometimes you are left feeling helpless and hurt and there is nothing you can do but hold your tongue. This is definitely the stage where I agree that parenting is NOT for cowards.

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Movie Quote 7

2010-06-19T16:10:00.001-07:00

"What are you talking about? You are Elastigirl! My God. . .Pull-Yourself-Together!"

[Edna to Elastigirl in "The Incredibles"]

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I'm Really Glad That Someone Finds Me Funny

2010-06-17T13:51:00.000-07:00

“If every word I said could make you laugh, I'd talk forever...”
Author Unknown

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Grief

2010-06-14T10:21:00.001-07:00

Last night we were part of the "straight line winds" that hit the area. It was soooo scary, but God in His Mercy kept us safe and today we rest in the calm after the storm.
I seem, however, to be caught in a different storm today - a deluge of grief. I had to put our cat to sleep this morning. Binker had a lot of "issues" and mental and emotional problems so it was necessary. But you have to understand that in our house when you adopt a pet it becomes family. Binker had problems and though she hated the rest of the world, she loved Dick and I in her own strange way. She was good company when I'm here alone. She would sit nearby when I was on the computer and watch me type. She would follow me into the kitchen if I was cooking or cleaning, and she would sit in the window and oversee things. Sleepless or ill nights when I would sit in the recliner, she would sit with me and keep me company. And the cat adored my husband. She couldn't wait for him to sit down when he'd get home so she could climb all over him then take a nap on his chest. (If he didn't sit down soon after getting home, she would jump on his back and ride around on his shoulder.) Binker did have serious problems but with all of her oddities and idiosyncrasies, she was still part of our family. And I'm sitting here realizing that the house seems quite lonely this afternoon without her. And I'm getting a headache from crying.
I'm sorry you were so mixed up, Bink. Thanks for all the laughter you did bring us. I really will miss you.

Movie Quote 6

2010-06-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

" I'm a donkey on the edge. " [Donkey from "Shrek"]

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Random Thoughts of Summer

2010-06-11T06:02:00.001-07:00

Today feels like a random thought day, so here goes:

I'm enjoying my summer. I've taken one truck load of stuff to the Goodwill (along with things I've given away) and that feels good. I'm slowly getting my nest emptied out.
I've gotten to spend time with my kids and grandkids and that has been a joy.
I don't mind the heat but I am definitely NOT a fan of the humidity. I find it tiring.
Speaking of which, I am either dealing with a slight summer bug, allergies, or something as I have been rather blah the last few days. [Achey, headache, scratchy throat, extremely tired.] Yesterday after running a few morning errands I spent the afternoon and evening fluctuating between reading a mystery and napping (I think I took about 4 short naps and still slept all night). I am grateful that I am not working full-time right now and can listen to my body's needs. I am going to allow myself another nap today, however, as I have to work a custodial job tonight from 5 pm to 1 am (blah).

I am trying hard this summer to once again get into a good exercise routine. I have been walking in the early mornings when it is cooler. The walk gets my heart pumping and I usually take my MP3 to get my spirit pumping too (Chris Tomlin, Rich Mullins, Keith Green). I love this little box that I've pictured. My grandson Zane gave it to me. It is just perfect for storing my MP3 in, and I really needed such a thing as I was constantly misplacing it. Now I know exactly where my MP3 is each morning and I thrive better when there is a place for everything. Thanks, Zane!!
I'm sure there are more random thoughts flowing through my brain but I'll save them for a later time.

Make My Life a Prayer

2010-06-10T05:38:00.000-07:00

"Make my Life a Prayer"
by Keith Green

Make my life a prayer to You
I wanna do what You want me to
No empty words and no white lies
No token prayers no compromise

I wanna shine the light You gave
Thru Your Son You sent to save us
From ourselves and our despair
It comforts me to know You're really there

Chorus
Well I wanna thank You now
For being patient with me
Oh it's so hard to see
When my eyes are on me
I guess I'll have to trust
And just believe what You say
Oh you're coming again
Coming to take me away

I wanna die
and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave me
The love that set me free

I wanna tell the world out there
You're not some fable or fairy tale
That I've made up inside my head
You're God the Son and You've risen from the dead

Chorus

I wanna die and let You give
Your life to me so I might live
And share the hope You gave me
The love that set me free

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNww8F6G9U8

Pickin' up the Pig

2010-06-09T12:42:00.000-07:00

Today Shannon, Raegan, and I went on a road trip to pick up some meat that Shannon had ordered in Herington. I absolutely LOVE being with my girls. It's just too fun. Miss Raegan travels quite well, and she and I had a fun time playing on the floor at my house when we got back. I had to run off to work as soon as the girls left for home to take their naps (yes, Raegan's mommy said something about taking one with her). It was fun to come home from work later to find toys on the living room floor. It seems like a looonnngg time ago when that was the norm.

Another nice day!

Lunch Out for the Girls

2010-06-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

Today was really fun. Shannon, Miss Raegan, and I had a girls' lunch out and, of course, we ate Mexican food. Shannon and I are both huge fans of Mexican fare, and we discovered today that we just might have a third generation following in our footsteps. Miss Muffin, who is known for being hesitant to try new foods and slow to adapt to them, took an instant liking to refried beans. It was hilarious. She would open her mouth like a little bird wanting more. I shouldn't be surprised. Not only do her mommy and granny love Mexican fare, but her grandpa is a fan of ANY bean. So she comes by it honestly.
I was also surprised with a wonderful gift today. Inside the picture "calendar" [seen above] are multiple wonderful pictures of Raegan and Zane (and some even contain their grandpa and I). I love it!!!! And there is room at the end to add more pictures as more memories are made.
All in all it was a terrific day. I adored my kids when they were little, but I am finding there is also something very unique and wonderful about becoming friends with your adult child. It's just one of life's deep blessings that is hard to put into words.
And, of course, I miss seeing my Miss Muffin everyday so it was wonderful to get to giggle and play and give and get lots of hugs.
A truly wonderful lunch indeed.

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Movie Quote 5

2010-06-08T04:51:00.000-07:00

"Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, the king and queen were blessed with a beautiful baby girl. . ." [Prince Charming from "Shrek 2"]

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I Needed That

2010-06-07T17:47:00.000-07:00

And just when the world seems a little too cloudy and oppressive, God sends a little ray of sunshine to visit your house.

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Movie Quote 4

2010-06-06T12:48:00.001-07:00

"This is true love - you think this happens every day?"
[Westley from "The Princess Bride"]

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Movie Quote 3

2010-06-06T03:51:00.000-07:00

"She's great. She's really exotic! She's a princess!" [Dave from "Dave"]

3

Movie Quote 2

2010-06-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

"I just know, before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'." [Donkey from "Shrek"]

Movie Quote 1

2010-06-05T13:33:00.000-07:00

I've decided that I'm going to semi-copy an idea that my friend Tab has. She is posting "self portraits" on her blog occassionally and I love it. It gives me a window into her and her life. To put a different spin on it, I'm going to, over the ? weeks, post my favorite quotes from movies that kind of fit where my thoughts are at the moment. Quotes that should give a little window into me and my life.

So. . . . here goes.

"He would get these far-off looks in his eyes and he would say 'Life doesn't always turn out the way you plan'. I just wish I'd realized at the time, he was talking about MY life."
[Lucy talking about her father in "While You Were Sleeping"]

The Season

2010-06-01T11:23:00.000-07:00

Where did the time go? That seems to be a never ending thought going through my head as I am sorting through 20+ boxes and crates of the last 20 years of our lives. (Okay, so it's also accompanied by "Where did we get all of this junk?".) I'm sorting through each thing and creating piles. Some will be crated and kept. Some will be given to the owner (as in the kid/now married grownup it belongs to). And some will be sold at garage sale. The main living area of my
home looks like a tornado hit it, but the piles and crates make sense to me. The garage sale area is overflowing its space and I don't know where to go from there. And the photos are piling up. If any of my kids are reading this - I took more photos then we thought. At least it sure seems like it right now as I sort through them.
So many memories being confined to folders and crates. I think I'm going to have to pace myself this week. I'm not good at that. I want everything done and organized NOW. But this isn't just a physical job; it's very emotionally draining also. So many memories, so many emotions, so much letting go.
This is that season for us. The season of change. The season of letting go. The next step in the adventure.

Abundance

2010-05-30T05:18:00.000-07:00

I love this time of year. It's a time of life and color and freshness and new beginnings. (Okay, so I'm not always elated about the humidity and the storms that this season brings, but I do like the newness that springs forth.)
We went out early this morning to beat the storms that we can hear rumbling to the west and north of us.
There were strawberries that needed harvesting as well as lettuce and chard. (We didn't actually get done before a rain hit, but it was so nice and gentle that we just worked in it.) We have the nicest strawberry plants. I have no idea what variety they are. I just know that every year they keep spreading along the front of our house and deck even though we give them little if no attention. There are always a proliferation of strawberries, so sweet and juicy. Yum. . . one of God's many blessings.
And we also have a plethora of flowers and plants. My husband's passion.
These lillies were from last years "Lowes getting read of it's dead plants" sale. God has blessed my husband with the gift of resurrecting the dead (in plants, anyway) and the two of them work together to make this place beautiful. Our little acre is a wonderful, colorful, peaceful place.
Thanks, Lord!

Divine moment

2010-05-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today I had what I call a "divine moment". I woke up with a feeling of destiny, that something was going to happen that needed to happen and, well to make a long story short, it did. Because I was where I was when I was I ran into an old friend I hadn't seen for probably 10+ years. Our friendship had been a love/hate (sometimes we weren't sure if we loved or hated each other) brother/friend iron-sharpening-iron relationship that God had used in "God ways" to transform us both. My friend was/is a pastor and we had butted heads a number of times. We had a number of differing theological as well as life views and being very much alike, we probably handled things much as two people that are very much alike do. We were intense and loud in our disagreements, (and okay maybe we were both a little young, immature, and proud at the time and it might have been a little ugly at moments.) On the positive side, we were both very honest and passionate people, but that also means that when we disagreed, we were honestly passionate about standing our ground (Okay, so envision two large rams fighting over the same piece of mountain). When we parted, it probably wasn't on the best of terms and for me something has always felt "unsettled" or "unfinished". As pastors do, he has moved around the state and we haven't kept in touch.
We ran into each other today - we had not scheduled the meeting - but obviously God had. It was definitely a divine moment. We both felt teary-eyed when we saw each other, hugged hard, and talked intensely. I can say that we have both grown up. We laughed about the past, shared from the heart about the present, and "talked Jesus" for quite a while. It was a wonderful time of fellowship. It was a healing time, a growing time, a special time. It was a divine moment.
I don't feel unsettled any more. And I don't feel like it's a love/hate relationship anymore. Jesus has transformed us both so much that it's just a love relationship. As my friend said, "we're family". In Jesus, we are. He's my brother. And I cherish him. Our past might have had it's rough moments but God used them to transform us both. It was a part of our journey. And with all my heart I can say that I'm glad that our journey intersected.

Thanks, Lord, for the divine moment.

Thankful

2010-05-19T07:42:00.000-07:00

No pictures with this blog. But I just have to say I'm feeling decidedly thankful this morning. My husband was in a wreck (not his fault) and he is okay. Our truck is not okay - it was towed. We'll find out soon how "not okay" it is. But my husband is okay. It will be an inconvenience to have one vehicle right now since we live in the country. But my husband is okay. We might have to take out a loan for a new truck (just as my job is ending). But my husband is okay.
Struggle is a part of life. Things happen. But all that really matters to me is that my husband is okay. And I am so thankful!

Zane's Graduation

2010-05-18T18:58:00.001-07:00

Tonight was Zane's fifth grade graduation. It was a very enjoyable program and we were all so proud of him. It is so hard, though, to think about Zane going to Middle School next year. It's kind of scary.

My camera didn't seem to like the lights in the school, so I'm not going to post any of the pictures. Instead, I'm going to include a picture of Zane and Raegan that I took last week. It clearly shows what a great big brother he is. Raegan sure adores him. Actually, we all do.

What A Weekend

2010-05-18T04:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, what a weekend. Friday we went to Manhattan to watch Shannon walk for her Master's. Awesome - I am so proud of her!!!!
Saturday we gave to Zac and his kids. While he was gone working on the car at his grandparents house, Richard and I babysat the kids and did many of Zac's household chores for him. Okay, so I forgot the camera so there are no pictures, but Richard did come away with a slight black eye. (Long story, but it wasn't me.)
Sunday, we went to church with Shannon for Raegan's Dedication.
It was awesome. Luke's parents were there. Zac came. My parents and brother and sister-in-law were there. And, of course, Richard and I, and Shannon, Luke, Zane, and Raegan. The service was great - the sermon was awesome! Then we had a barbecue at Shannon's with Luke's family and Zac and his kids also. It was a blast. Unfortunately, we had to leave early. A flat tire meant we had to wait at Walmart three hours for a fix. Oh well, the bad comes with the good.

Blogging Again

2010-05-16T06:33:00.000-07:00

It's been about 7 months since I last blogged and now I'm ready to get back to it. I just couldn't seem to blog before now. I had lots going through my head but nothing that I felt was constructive to share. And sometimes I just couldn't land on what I wanted to say. I realize now that I was struggling with a physical deficiency that was also taxing my thinking and emotions. I'm much more myself now and thinking much better. So, I'm ready to share.
Please don't think that these 7 months have only been about a physical struggle. I have had the most amazing 7 months. A majority of my time has been spent hanging out with my little "Muffin" and what a glorious time it has been.

I've laughed and snuggled and rocked and cuddled and thoroughly enjoyed myself. Okay, so I've changed really "ugly" diapers and I've been thrown up on numerous times and pooped on to boot, but, hey, it goes with the territory.

And I can say with all my heart that I'm so grateful that I didn't miss one moment of it all. As you can see by the photos, it's been a time of change for Raegan.
It's also been a time of change for her Granny. And God used this little "Muffin" (and her family) and my time with her to do some much needed changes in my heart and in my thinking. There'll be more about that in future blogs. And you can probably guess that even though I won't be "Granny-Nannying" after this week, there'll be more about Miss Raegan.
So. . . here's to blogging again.

Reboot

2009-10-24T09:52:00.000-07:00

I was wishing today that I had a "reboot" button. This week I had trouble with my computer. After trying everything I've ever been taught to fix it with no luck, I simply rebooted the silly thing - and it worked great.
I wish I had a reboot button. Lately I've been plagued by thoughts gone crazy, my mind going down pathways I don't want to go. I've been struggling with an overwhelming feeling of failure, constantly thinking that I haven't done well at the things that were the most important to me in life. I try everything I know to get out of those channels of thinking, but sometimes I can't escape.
I wish I could just reboot my brain when those moments hit.

My Raegan

2009-10-23T08:34:00.000-07:00

She flirts.

and smiles

and oh how she loves to talk.

That's my Raegan. The little girl who has tightly wrapped her fists around my heart!

What a Week.

2009-10-23T08:17:00.001-07:00

First off let me say: Shannon, Tab, Liv, all you moms out there that are parenting small children - my respect for you is renewed and immense. I guess I was so far removed from that time that I forgot how consuming and exhausting small ones can be.
I just completed my second week as a Granny-Nanny and shwoo-ee what a week. Zane had "the flu" (not sure if it was the regular or the swine) and was home most of the week and Raegan had a stuffy nose. So it was not a normal week. (Or actually, maybe it was when it comes to kids). Regardless, it was exhausting. . . . .but OH SO REWARDING! My grandkids are awesome!

I'm sorry I didn't get a picture of Zane with his little white mask the Dr. gave him to wear. It was basically to protect the rest of us from his coughing and he wore it like a trooper. But here's a pix of him and his best bud Radar:

If you've read any of my previous blogs, you know how much I adore this guy!!!!! What a little man!!

And now my heartstrings have been gripped again by the world's sweetest little lady.
She will be featured in the next blog as for some crazy reason my photos of her don't seem to want to download at the moment.
so. . . .to be continued.

A Different Picture

2009-10-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how when you walk with Jesus things often don't turn out the way you expect?

Five months ago I was watching the want-ads and diligently looking for an office job. I was getting some part-time experience in an office, was discovering the gifts and talents I have to offer, and getting all gung-ho about my possibilities. I was sure it was time for me to work full-time, and I was taking all the steps.

In the back of all my decision making, however, I was seriously petitioning the Lord to show me HIS plans for me. It's really easy sometimes to paint a picture of how I think things need to look and then try to fill in that picture. But I really truly WANT the Lord to direct my steps and to take me where HE wants me to go and be.

And He has.

And He is.

Tomorrow, I start the most amazing job! I have to get up early in the morning and head to Salina. But. . . . . .I'm not going to an office. . . . . .I'm going to a home. And I won't be wearing a skirt or a "power suit". . . . .I'll be wearing either shorts, sweats, or maybe my pajama pants. I won't be carrying a briefcase . . . .but I have a cute little canvas bag of "board books".

Tomorrow I start a full-time job as a "Granny-Nanny". For the next ? months, I'll be taking care of my Beautiful granddaughter Raegan (and occasionally my Wonderful grandson Zane).

Aren't God's plans "so much more than we can ever ask or think"?

Tomorrow sure doesn't look like I thought it would. . . . . . . . it looks even better!

Thank You Laurie and Mike

2009-09-09T11:10:00.001-07:00

For my birthday in August, my dear sweet friends Laurie and Mike gave me a beautiful bird feeder. It has been a never-ending source of laughter and entertainment since we hung it outside our window. We have been Grand Central Station as a huge diversity of birds have come in to fight over the feeder. It has been like a dance as they fight over the feeder (and those who lose end up on the ground with the leftovers), splash in the bird bath nearby, or sing in the trees and on the fence post. Whenever it rains we bring the feeder in (the seeds tend to get mushy and jammed up), and I really miss the noise and singing. It is way too quiet outside my window today as one lone bird sings his song, but since I don't know if the rain is over I won't hang the feeder back out.

Thank you Laurie and Mike for such a lovely gift that brings so much joy.

Spontaneity

2009-09-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

I love spontaneous moments, and I think we should grab them more often. The other day, we were trying to plan out our day (when you own a home you are never at a loss for what to do), and we suddenly decided we wanted to "get out of Dodge". So we loaded the ice chest with cold water, gassed up the car, and went to the zoo in Great Bend, Kansas. It is a free zoo and what a wonderful experience.

Because of the wire fencing, many of my pictures did not turn out as well as I hoped. I will admit that I was very grateful for the fencing, however, especially when viewing the big cats and the grizzly and black bears.

Hands down, our favorite moment at the zoo was at the alligator pen. We were standing at the pen debating whether the huge gators lying on the bank were really real (since none of them wanted to move), when a worker came out to feed the gators. What an experience! The guy was great and explained all about gators. He then got into the huge lake/pen and fed them raw whole chickens. Gator with whole raw chicken.

Sleeping gator

I love moments like we had, spontaneously going on an adventure. I'm not an expensive date, but I do love new experiences and adventures. And viewing God's creativity and awesomeness is always one of my favorite experiences.

Sleepy Head

2009-09-02T18:27:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to think that I'm going to have to visit my daughter in the middle of the night in order to see this little lady's eyeballs. Last week when we visited:

Raegan snuggled in Uncle Zac's arms.

Today when I visited:

Oh well, before she ended up in her seat, we had a wonderful snuggling and rocking time. Warm and sweet-smelling and oh so cuddly in sleep.

What Kind of Granny Am I?

2009-08-30T16:54:00.000-07:00

I need to make a correction to previous blogs. My sweet little grandbaby's name is spelled differently than I originally thought. I is R-A-E-G-A-N. I went back and changed my previous blogs, but I feel kinda silly. Oh well, I've never been good with names.

What Can I Say

2009-08-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

I know this is supposed to be a blog. A blog is where you state your thoughts and opinions etc. I've always been a writer - a person who loves words.

But I've recently met someone who leaves me at a loss for words. My throat chokes up, my eyes tear up. . .and I just don't know what to say.

My Baby and Her Baby

2009-08-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

Shannon and Raegan

(This picture just tugs so hard on my heart strings that I couldn't find the words to accompany it. So I let the first verse of Stevie Wonder's song say it all.)

Isnt' she lovely

Isn't she wonderful

Isn't she precious

Less than one minute old.

Raegan Marie

2009-08-25T08:44:00.000-07:00

At 2:59 am after 28 hours of labor, Raegan Marie came into the world this morning. She weighed 7 lbs. 10 oz. and was 21" long. Everyone is doing well, though utterly exhausted.

Raegan and big brother Zane.

Watermark

2009-08-23T13:19:00.000-07:00

What a blessed morning! Newspring Church out of Wichita (a fellowship that we attend as often as we can afford to make the drive) had their "Watermark Weekend" this morning. It was a baptismal service that was held at the Hartman Arena in order to accommodate the thousands that are usually spread between three services at their church building. What an amazing morning. Over three hundred people of all ages were baptized in a big swimming pool in the middle of the arena. A few families were even all baptized together. Interspersed throughout the baptisms were times of worship singing and sharing and preaching. It was just so amazingly wonderful to hear some of the testimonials of faith, to worship together, and to rejoice in the salvation that is ours through Jesus Christ.

To quoteLarry from Veggie Tales: "I laughed. I cried. It moved me, Bob."

Thanks, Rich.

2009-08-19T05:28:00.001-07:00

Isn't it amazing how life can go from manageable (even joyous) to the deepest valley all in a matter of seconds? It's in those moments that I really appreciate brothers like Rich Mullins. "Hold Me Jesus" is almost worn out on my CD. Rich understood so much. Though he's gone, his music still conveys the "realness of being human and seeking Father in a broken world".

Thanks, Rich.

A Unique Kansas Town

2009-08-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

On our way to Colorado last month, Richard and I decided to take it slow and easy. So we stopped half way at Colby, KS, to spend the night. (The Super 8 there is nice and clean.) What a quaint little town! We wandered it partly on foot and partly in the car. It was a nice town though so very FLAT - I know I wouldn't want to live there when the snow blew in.

This was the clock tower on the campus of Colby Community College. I thought it was pretty cool - and the campus was very nice.

This building was established as a historical landmark and we thought it was really awesome.

This "little" guy was on a sidestreet downtown. He was so adorable that we just had to stop.

Liv's Park

2009-08-06T14:13:00.000-07:00

On one of the last days of our vacation this week (after returning to Kansas), Dick and I decided we needed just one more "little" adventure. So we took a 30 mile jaunt to a town nearby and visited what we call "Liv's Park". I've been following my friend Liv's blog and her stories about the little duckies, and we finally got to view them firsthand. I have to say I totally see why Liv loves that park. What a wonderful place to wander and explore and just soak in the surroundings.

It was fun to watch the mommy duck with her one baby -how protective she was. And it was a real experience to watch a whole flock of geese come in for a landing on the water in front of us.

This guy was a bold little character.

And of course, Mr. & Mrs. Bossy were quite the show stealers also.

Just a Thought

2009-08-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

There are some wonderful (and some not so wonderful) smelling candles and room deodorizers on the market. One smell I've never found, however, is a "seeded rye bread" room freshener. I am really on a rye bread kick. The smell, especially when it has been toasted, is heavenly! In the past, I liked the dark rye, but in Colorado I tasted a seeded light rye that was so strong and so wonderful. Yum!!!!! and the smell!!!!!!!

Back from Colorado

2009-08-04T12:16:00.001-07:00

Well, we're back from Colorado though still on vacation. The best way to sum up our adventure is to say that I totally get why Jesus went to the mountains to commune with Father.

The weather was very atypical while we were there. It was unusually cool for July (one day the high was 56) and there was lots and lots and lots of rain. We still hiked and explored and thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, although 3 days in a row we were racing the thunder and lightning on our return to shelter.

Check out the pea-size hail on the arm of our deck chair.

Another storm coming over the mountain.

If you know me at all, you know I've never been good at remembering to take pictures. I really got into picture taking this time and ended up with 246 keepable shots. Yep, it was beautiful - inspiring, soothing, enjoyable, at times overwhelming. (I came home and burned a slide show of many of the photos accompanied by Chris Tomlin's "How Great Is Our God".)

Here's just a few more of my favorites:

This is too cool - the clouds are reflecting off the hood of our car and it looks like the scene is "floating in the clouds".

We like to take "real" hikes and go back into the mountains. You're never quite sure what you'll see on those hikes.

Back in the middle of nowhere on a long hike, we spotted this on a trail.

Colorado was just what we needed.

Off to the Mountains

2009-07-25T03:27:00.001-07:00

Today I am "pulling a Jesus". I'm heading to the mountains to rest and hear Father's Voice. I covet your prayers as we are trying to make some very large decisions at the moment. I've been taking notes and weighing all the options in our decisions, but what it all comes down to is not necessarily what makes the most sense - but rather what Father is saying.

Zac is 21

2009-07-24T03:26:00.000-07:00

Our "baby" Zac turned 21 Tuesday. Wow, where has the time gone!

Shannon's Baby Shower

2009-07-23T14:05:00.001-07:00

I was recently told by a good friend that I needed to post something new on my blog - she was tired of opening it to read the same thing. (Believe me, the temptation was there to type the words "SOMETHING NEW" and just post that - yes, I'm a wise-acre.)
So, to get back into the blogging business, I wanted to share some pictures from my oldest daughter's babyshower. Shannon is due August 22 with her first baby (a little girl). (Yes, the baby will have a name, but no one is being told until she is born.) Just in the last few days I've already seen a definite "drop" in my daughter's waistline, so I'm wondering if this little lady isn't going to enter the world maybe a few days early.

This is a picture of the "bubble gum babies" that we made during a game.

Bifocals

2009-05-26T14:32:00.000-07:00

I decided today that bifocals are definitely not for wimps. I got my new bifocals (excuse me - transition lenses) yesterday and today I actually wore them out and to work. (Today I worked at the large church cleaning for a wedding.) If anyone had been watching me, they might have thought I was drunk. I definitely felt "unbalanced" as I tried to find which of the three "viewing fields" I needed to look through at any given moment. Even now as I attempt to type, I'm turning my head at all different angles, trying to find the right position to see the screen.
I never thought that glasses could be frustrating, but these definitely are. I was told to give them a few days - and I will (and a lot of prayer). I just hope my neck survives - I have a neckache from trying to read. It's strange though. I've adjusted to my transition lense sunglasses really well. I wonder if it's because they have such a big lense that that the transition isn't so quick. ?

2009-05-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Last summer while we were in Colorado, my husband bought me this Native American Flute for my birthday. I've recently gotten back to playing it and I absolutely enjoy it! I also play the piano (and enjoy that too) but there is something unique about the flute. With the piano it's all about rules and technique and the right way of doing things. And that's good and right and makes for some mighty nice playing.
But when I bought the flute, the gentleman told me that the Native American Flute is different. To truly enjoy it, I shouldn't worry about learning notes or scales. Rather, I should just learn various ways to make different sounds . . . .and then just play whatever is in my heart. So I've been on the internet learning different ways of making different sounds.
There are some days when the piano is very enjoyable. I love warming up with scales and then moving through the pieces from easy to harder.
But there are also some days like lately when I just want to pick up the flute and play. I don't play songs that some one else wrote. I play my "moods". Whether melancholy, sad, happy, joyful, thoughtful. . . . they all come out in the notes. I like that. I like that "freedom" to just "do it my way". I like playing what's in my heart.

Nurse Zac

2009-05-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

My son is presently taking a CNA training course. It is serving a dual purpose: it will fulfill the last five hours he needs for his Associate's Degree and, more importantly, it will also give him some idea if nursing is really the direction he wants to go.
I honestly think Zac would make a good nurse. He's always had a heart for people in pain, wanting to help and make it better. He's compassionate yet strong enough to follow through.

He also has another essential ingredient . . . . a strong sense of humor.

Critters

2009-05-20T05:50:00.000-07:00

For the most part, country life is really nice. It's quiet. Dick has plenty of room to putter and his flowers etc. are beautiful. We never want for wildlife - deer, turkeys, pheasant, bunnies, quail - all fun to watch. (I really like the big window we put in last year over my kitchen sink. It allows a wonderful view. Just a few weeks back I watched a small herd of deer feed in the field by our house.) Country life is probably more expensive. The gas expense and wear and tear on the vehicles can be a bit much. But over all, country life is nice.
Except for. . . . .the critters. The last few days my house smells. . . . . . .atrocious!!!! We have an indoor cat and two out door cats and still some little critter managed to get in the walls and die. Ughhhh!!!!! The smell is horrible. The best I can tell, it died in the wall between the kitchen and the laundry room. (Therefore, the smell lingers in the most lived in areas.)
Nasty!!!

I Wonder What That Was About

2009-05-14T08:43:00.001-07:00

I took time out from my morning to take a brisk walk. I really did walk briskly for 40 minutes (trying to keep myself healthy, you know), but it would have been easy to get distracted. Dick's flowers are beautiful! It's that time of year when our yard comes to life (and when he's home Dick delights in taking me outside to show me the latest "surprise"). What a gorgeous morning for a walk. The bird's were singing, the sun shining, a cool breeze blowing, and flowers everywhere.

There was one thing though. . . . . . . .I happened to look up at the end of my walk and noticed that 6 carrion birds were circling right above me. I wonder what that was all about!!!

The Precipice

2009-05-09T11:48:00.000-07:00

I stand on the edge of a precipice.
From here
I see the river in the canyon below.
I know the current is swift
And the river is edged by treacherous rocks
Sharp and unforgiving.
I am so high up
That I cannot see the rocks from here.
But I know they are there.
I long to jump.
I am so weary of the rim on which I live.
The sand and the wind
The scorching sun
Always struggling to survive.
I am so tired of it all.
And I long to jump.
If I can just hit the current
Then I know it will carry me downstream
To places new
Watered by dreams I have not touched.
But the rim on which I stand
Gives me no clear vision.
I will not know if I have cleared the rocks
Until the moments before I strike bottom.
If I jump
It might mean freedom
Or it might mean destruction.
So I struggle within myself
Still longing to jump
Feeling that even if I perish
It would still be worth it
For those few moments
In which I would get to fly.

two worlds

2009-04-14T09:03:00.000-07:00

the following is taken from "Living in Two Worlds" by Wayne Jacobsen

" I can't begin to comprehend what it would be like to wake up tomorrow morning and find myself free of everything that hinders or distracts me from life in Jesus.
No longer would I have to grope through the fog of my own selfishness to get a fading glimpse of God's presence for I would see God's face as clearly as He sees mine. No longer would I entertain, even for a moment, doubts about His love for me or His ability to draw me into the fulness of His Life. No longer would the ravages of fleshly appetites lure me into bondage that can suffocate me in my own amusements.
I can only imagine what it would be like if every appetite for sin was suddenly silent and all I wanted was what God wanted for me. How would it be to live without a hint of fear, self-pity or envy because the demands of self have been swallowed up in the greatness of God? I would have nothing to hide, nothing to prove and nothing to win, because I would be so fully satisfied by God himself, and totally at rest in whatever He gives. What would it be like to have no needs to harass me, no conflict to afflict me, no pain or disease to limit me and no sorrow to wound me?
Then I could enjoy unlimited time and unrestricted insights into the beauty of God's nature and the wonder of His person. I could finally search out just how high and wide and deep His love runs for me and enjoy forever His inifinite creativity and His boundless wisdom. What a life that would be!"

Our Easter Celebration

2009-04-11T19:29:00.000-07:00

Everyone has their own way of celebrating Easter. This year, we didn't have a big family thing, a special dinner, or an Easter egg hunt. Things have been really stressful lately - sometimes I've reached that "I'm about to implode stage". So today, to celebrate, we chose to "get outta Dodge".
Dick and I took off for Wichita. We listened to wonderful praise and worship music on the way there. On the way, we also stopped and ate a most delightful meal at Cracker Barrel (everything about the meal was perfect). In Wichita we went to a service at Newspring Church. Along with about 1000 people that we've never met before we worshiped and rejoiced and listened to wonderful teaching. On the way home, we contined rejoicing with praise and worship songs.
I wish I could adequately describe what a truly perfect time it was. The trip was delightful. Our meal (like I said before) was perfect. Our waitress was friendly and gracious, and it was so nice to just sit and be served. We walked into a building of over 1000 strangers and felt entirely relaxed and at home. We worshiped and praised and rejoiced and talked of the One Who makes it all worthwhile.
Years ago I learned a word from a stranger in Chicago. She was describing her experience that she was having that day and she said it was "wonderfulicious".
I think that's how I would describe today - Wonderfulicious!

My Husband and God

2009-04-08T14:19:00.000-07:00

My husband and God have a partnership (on so many levels) and it's the time of year when the fruits of that partnership begin to really show. My husband sows; he and God take turns watering; and God gives the increase. And boy is it increase!!! Before long it will be in full bloom - and what a peaceful blessing it all is! This is just the beginning.

I Don't Wanna

2009-04-04T04:59:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have a hard time doing what you know you need to do? I'm having that problem today. It's been a very long week of work and running my dad to doctors (we found out he is going to have to have surgery in both ears)and just helping my folks out in general. (Next week will be more of the same.) Tonight I have a wedding to clean for, and I've got school that I really need to get done today while both guys are gone. I have a biology test coming up (and I haven't finished the last assignment)and an English paper that needs work.
But what you are looking at in this picture is the very tired face of rebellion. I've been up since 5:15 and all I've accomplished is drinking coffee, reading the Word, and feeding the cat. That's it! Oh yeah, I did eat my oatmeal also, but I'm mad about that. I'm tired of thinking of my cholesterol - I wanted eggs and pancakes this morning!
I need to sit down with my biology book. . . . .but what I really want to do is find a friend to go to Wichita with me to eat at Olive Garden. I just want to drive and laugh and talk and eat my fill of OG salad, and I've been wanting to try one of their pizzas.
I literally feel like stomping my feet like a child. . .saying "I don't wanna!" I don't want to do school! I don't want to clean house! I don't want to clean a church! I WANT TO HAVE FUN TODAY! (Pout, Pout!)
Do you ever get that way?

Mountains

2009-04-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

I'm with Jesus on the whole mountain thing. In the scriptures it mentions a number of times where He went off to the mountains to pray.

I'm ready to go.

I need to go.

Lately, I've been feeling a little overwhelmed. I'm not really sure why. Maybe it's all the little things put together. I've had a lot of school work - especially writing papers. It's the Easter season and the wedding season, so my jobs at the churches tend to be a little busy. I'm starting a third part-time job next week. (I was supposed to start last Saturday but the snow cancelled it. It'll be a nice change of pace - it's office, computer, and people work instead of cleaning.) One of our septic systems went out and we're not sure what that's going to mean. We're waiting on the insurance adjuster because the high winds tore our roof up last week, so something has to be done with that. I broke my vacuum yesterday - it still runs but the mechanism that makes it stand upright broke, so my vacuum is in a perpetual state of rest. And the list goes on.

Lots of little things. Maybe I need to learn from my vacuum. I need to get back to that perpetual state of "rest". I'm trying to figure out how to live "one day at a time" while juggling papers, tests, 3 part-time jobs, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning house. Most of the things I mentioned take planning and organizing. So how do I "just do today" when I have to prepare for tomorrow?

Any thoughts? I'd like to hear them.

I guess I'd better go do "today". Today is taking Dad to the ear specialist to see if we can get him hearing in at least one ear. Today is a trip to the library, the health food store, Sam's, and Walmart. (Oh yeah, the Dollar Store, too, if there's time.) Today is a load of laundry, supper, dishes, and if there's time, taking more notes for my research report.

I'm truly thankful that I am able to do all these things. But to be honest. . . today. . .I'd rather go to the mountains!

Blessings

2009-03-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

Some of my friends have been posting the most beautiful snow pictures to their blogs. It is amazing just how awe-inspiring God's white blanket can be!

My snow picture is a little different. Some people might not find it beautiful at all with the muddy piles and dirty snow. But to me, it's absolutely awesome - because it is another example of God's tremendous blessings in our lives.

We have been blessed with a neighbor named John. He lives about a mile down the road. We don't know John all that well, although every time we're out walking and John and his dog Jake go by in the pickup, they stop and talk. (Okay, Jake maintains his stoic doggy silence, but John likes to talk.) He's a fun, friendly, good ole farmer. And every time we get a good snow, John gets out his tractor and cleans the driveways of all of his neighbors. We never asked him to. At first, we weren't even sure who it was doing it. But finally we learned that it's John.

Yesterday, Dick had started on the sidewalks and driveway with a shovel. Before he got very far, here came John. In a matter of minutes our driveway was cleared, and after a brief chat about the safest route to get our son home (Zac had gotten trapped in Salina during the storm and bedded down on a friend's floor), John was off to do the next neighbor.

I sent John a thank you once, outlining just how much his kindness meant to us and offering our assistance should he ever need anything. The next time John (and Jake) stopped to talk, John thanked me for the thank you. That kinda tells you what kind of man John is.

We are so blessed!

Wonder

2009-03-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

"Dear Lord, grant me the grace of wonder. Surprise me, amaze me, awe me in every crevice of Your universe. Delight me to see how Your Christ plays in ten thousand places, lovely in limbs, and lovely in eyes not His, to the Father through the features of men's faces. Each day enrapture me with Your marvelous things without number. I do not ask to see the reason for it all; I ask only to share the wonder of it all."

Rabbi Joshua Abraham Heschel

from "The Ragamuffin Gospel"

One Thing

2009-03-23T03:59:00.000-07:00

the following quote is from "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning

"The question which the gospel of grace puts to us is simply this: Who shall separate you from the love of Christ? What are you afraid of?

Are you afraid that your weakness could separate you from the love of Christ? It can't.

Are you afraid that your inadequacies could separate your from the love of Christ? They can't.

Are you afraid that your inner poverty could separate you from the love of Christ? It can't.

Diffcult marriage, loneliness, anxiety over the children's future? They can't.

Negative self-image? It can't.

Economic hardship, racial hatred, street crime? They can't.

Rejection by loved ones or the suffering of loved ones? They can't.

Persecution by authorities, going to jail? They can't.

Nuclear war? It can't.

Mistakes, fears, uncertainties? They can't.

The gospel of grace calls out: Nothing can ever separate you from the love of God made visible in Christ Jesus our Lord.

You must be convinced of this, trust it, and never forget to remember. Everything else will pass away, but the love of Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Faith will become vision, hope will become possession, but the love of Jesus Christ that is stronger than death endures forever. In the end, it is the one thing you can hang onto."

For Olivia

2009-03-22T08:17:00.001-07:00

This blog post is in honor of my dear sweet friend Olivia who loves small things.

This is "Ducky" my little dish washing buddy that my husband gave me. Ducky is 2 1/4" from tail tip to chest, and he is a great little teacher as he is always content to be in the dish water. Since I seem to spend a lot of time with my hands in dish water also, I can sure learn from him.

My Can Opener

2009-03-17T12:59:00.000-07:00

Today has been a REALLY stressful day, so much so that I have that tight feeling across my head. So I decided in the name of taking care of myself, I am going to spend 40 minutes exercising and 10 minutes doing something fun.

I'm starting with something fun - I am going to blog about my can opener.

This is one of those "One Touch" can openers that I was told is advertised on TV. Normally, I do not give in to TV commercials, and I was quite happily living in the dark ages with my old hand "twist" can opener. Shannon and Luke, however, bought this for me for Christmas, and I have to say. . . . . .it is wonderful!!!! It is so easy to use - you just lay it on the can lid, pull back, push the button, and let go. It cuts the lid off from the side (which means no ragged lid edges) and it does all the work while you do something else. It is neat, easy, time saving, and a real convenience for those of us who have trouble with our wrists.

Anticipation

2009-03-16T05:37:00.000-07:00

Well, we sent in the check this weekend. If the Lord is willing, we are going back to Colorado in July for some TLC. We made our reservations for this litty bitty cabin that we've stayed in before.

It's very tiny, very rustic (is does have a bathroom and kitchenette and a small heat stove), and I think it's been on the side of this mountain for quite some time. BUT it is also very economical (we pay for a week what we normally have to pay for 2 or 3 days anywhere else, and with the kitchenette we can eat in and save big on food.) Since Dick and I are not big on seeing the paying attractions, the only other real expense is gas.

Dick and I are hikers. When we go to Colorado, it's to walk and view. We like to go back into the mountains (National Forests) and hike and look and absorb and enjoy. Sometimes we talk. . . .but often we just walk and look and listen.

I've said over and over that I see why Jesus "went to the mountains to pray". There's just something about the majesty and the solitude and variety of creation - it does something for us. This might sound funny, but sometimes it seems that God's voice is "louder" and "clearer" there.

I really hope when July comes that God says "yes".

Laughter

2009-03-14T13:33:00.001-07:00

I know I just blogged a few minutes ago. . . .but I have to get this out of my system.
I've been thinking about laughter. I love to laugh. . . but until this morning I hadn't Laughed in a long time. (Laughter with a capital "L" is the kind where you're thinking "ohgoshmystomachhurtsmyeyesarewateringandIalmostwetmypants".)

My throat and sinuses are still sore from Laughing this morning, so I started reading from the "How Things Work" website about laughter. (Don't ask me why the two parts of the preceeding sentence go together in my mind - they just do!) I quote:

"What Is Laughter?
First of all, laughter is not the same as humor. Laughter is the physiological response to humor. Laughter consists of two parts -- a set of gestures and the production of a sound. When we laugh, the brain pressures us to conduct both those activities simultaneously. When we laugh heartily, changes occur in many parts of the body, even the arm, leg and trunk muscles.
Under certain conditions, our bodies perform what the Encyclopedia Britannica describes as "rhythmic, vocalized, expiratory and involuntary actions" -- better known as laughter. Fifteen facial muscles contract and stimulation of the zygomatic major muscle (the main lifting mechanism of your upper lip) occurs. Meanwhile, the respiratory system is upset by the epiglottis half-closing the larynx, so that air intake occurs irregularly, making you gasp. In extreme circumstances, the tear ducts are activated, so that while the mouth is opening and closing and the struggle for oxygen intake continues, the face becomes moist and often red (or purple). The noises that usually accompany this bizarre behavior range from sedate giggles to boisterous guffaws. "

Why Do We Laugh?
Philosopher John Morreall believes that the first human laughter may have begun as a gesture of shared relief at the passing of danger. And since the relaxation that results from a bout of laughter inhibits the biological fight-or-flight response, laughter may indicate trust in one's companions.
Many researchers believe that the purpose of laughter is related to making and strengthening human connections. "Laughter occurs when people are comfortable with one another, when they feel open and free. And the more laughter [there is], the more bonding [occurs] within the group," says cultural anthropologist Mahadev Apte. This feedback "loop" of bonding-laughter-more bonding, combined with the common desire not to be singled out from the group, may be another reason why laughter is often contagious.

So, back to my laughter of this morning. The above description of "What is laughter?" pretty much describes my bout this morning, including the 15 facial muscles contracting, the larynx half closing, the red face, and the noise. But it left out the part of my experience of "iced tea projecting from the nose and mouth". Okay, here's the story. We (Dick and I) were just leaving the Walmart parking lot in our pickup when I went to slug back a drink of tea. I filled my mouth (I was really thirsty) and just as I started to swallow. . . . .I coughed. Needless to say, I spewed tea everywhere, THOROUGHLY soaking my lap and part of the dash, and I choked and coughed and sputtered. . . . . .and went into uncontrollable gales of laughter. I laughed and laughed and laughed! And I'm still trying to figure out "why?". Was it the "relief of the passing of danger" (mentioned above) - the fact that I didn't suffocate? Or was it the "trust in my companion"? Or was it the fact that my lap and the seat between my legs were drenched. . . .and I felt decidedly stupid?

Whatever the reason, it was so refreshing! I think weeks worth of stress just fell off me in those moments of Laughter, and I feel so much calmer and settled now. What an absolute joy to laugh! I want to do it more often!

Oh, by the way, laughter IS contagious - my husband was proof this morning.

Granny Ruth

2009-03-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

The picture on the right shows a beautiful figurine that my daughter Shannon gave me a number of weeks ago. She called out of the blue and wanted us to stop by because she'd "seen something in the store that she thought I'd like and bought it for me". Imagine my absolute delight when I opened the box to find this. And guess what. . . . it came with a little card that says "Grandmother A Unique Love That Transcends the Years".

Now I hope you're just a tad quicker at catching on than I was. . . . .. SHANNON IS GOING TO HAVE A BABY! I'm going to be a "Granny" for the second time in August!!!! Shannon gave us our first grandchild when she married Luke, and if you've read my previous blogs, you know that Zane is my absolute delight. Now, we will have our first "grand - baby". And what a truly special way to be told! To say I'm excited is an understatement!!!

As you can see by the picture on the left, Granny has already been shopping (actually went within two weeks of finding out) AND this Granny is convinced its a girl. Not sure why - just a feeling I've had since she told me. So. . . . . if I'm wrong. . . . I'm gonna have some really adorable clothes that will need a home. . . .and I'm gonna have to start scrambling for "cute and blue".

Changes

2009-03-14T06:30:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven't been blogging for quite some time. I'm going to chalk it up to the changes in my life.
What changes? you might ask.
#1 My son moved home. For those of you who've ever experienced a grown child moving back home - enough said. For those who haven't - the increase in grocery shopping and cooking alone have added hours to my week.
#2 (The biggy) I've returned to college. I'm taking classes online to get my ASA degree. Let's just say that it's been a bigger shock than I thought it would be. Don't get me wrong - I am THOROUGHLY enjoying what I am doing and learning, and I'm doing really well. However. . . . .I am not as "quick" as I used to be and everything takes me longer to do. I have to read most things a couple of times, and writing takes a while. One of my classes is English Comp II so there is a LOT of writing - sometimes too much, since it is a 16 week class that I am taking in 12 weeks.
Online college is different than I thought it would be. For some reason I thought that if I took classes online, they would be very "independent". To some degree they are, but with the new philosophy of "group" learning (remember, I grew up in the 70's - the decade of the "individual"), I am still doing a lot of interacting. All classes require activity on their "Discussion Board" which is where the students and teacher of a class go to interact with each other, and where the teacher has most likely posted something that we're all required to mull over and state our opinions on. Most classes require so much time on Discussion Board, and you lose points if you don't put in the time. (My English teacher won't even accept writing assignments if you haven't done the discussion board time.) So I am doing a lot of interacting and a lot of figuring out what I think on a variety of topics. It has been interesting and challenging (very), but I think that it has also kept me from blogging (writing or reading). I'm actually tired of having to state my opinion or thoughts! (Can you believe that?)

BUT. . . . I have decided to return to blogging simply for the "freedom of thought". There are so many things that I am mulling over in my life that are more important to me than the "morals of the flappers in the 1920s". Things that I want my treasured friends and family to know and comment on. Things that make up "me".
So. . . . . .hopefully. . . . .I'm back. And hopefully, there is someone to read my thoughts. And for those of you who've given me your blog address. . . I'll be commenting soon.

My Son Has Moved Home

2008-12-22T12:43:00.000-08:00

For many months now I’ve been cleaning
And organizing my home;
Cleaning drawers and closets
And wondering where it all came from;
Sorting, ridding, casting out,
And deciding what to share;
Finding a place where things should be kept
And making sure they stayed there;
But now . . . . . . .
My son has moved home.

There are boxers on the bathroom floor,
A pile of shoes beside the door,
And the dishes keep piling up more and more
For my son has moved home.

The refrigerator is looking mighty bare.
Laundry’s piling up everywhere.
Books, papers, pencil placed without a care
For my son has moved home.

Sometimes you have to clear a chair to sit.
Trips to the grocery store don’t seem to quit.
But. . . .that isn’t the best part of it
Since my son has moved home.

For now the house rings with laughter
And there are constant smiles on every face.
Yes, sometimes we rub each other wrongly,
But, oh, there is so much grace.

We talk about Jesus and watch sci-fi,
And laugh and laugh and laugh again,
And share the good, bad, and ugly
Like the very best of friends.

Nothing is where is belongs now.
Who knows where all these messes come from.
But none of that seems to matter
For my son has moved home.

Why Am I Not Blogging?

2008-12-11T14:21:00.000-08:00

I was asked recently by a good friend as to why I hadn't been blogging lately. I had to think about that. I guess it's because I'm going through a huge time of learning -a really deep time - so much so that I can't seem to put it all into recognizable paragraphs. There's just so much that I'm mulling over, working through, and communing with My Father about that hasn't reached a "definite conclusion", hasn't come to a place that I know how to put down on paper. So I guess I'm keeping my thoughts close to home for now so my words don't get ahead of me.

BUT. . . .a part of what I'm passing through is a deepening awareness of how truly I rest in the Father's Hand and how VERY BLESSED I am. There is just so much in each day that I am so very grateful for. So on a lighter note, let me share with you a song that I've adopted as "my song", dedicated to my wonderful husband who I am so very thankful for.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mt-8A8BhJ-Y

Obama

2008-11-17T05:30:00.000-08:00

I am saddened today at what I see Christians doing post-election. I have to confess that I am tired of the Obama jokes and put downs, and I think that what I am seeing "in the Name of Christ" just doesn't seem right.
The scriptures are clear:
". . .the authorities that exist have been established by God." Romans 13:1b
Whatever your thoughts about Barak Obama, he is the president elect, and I have to trust that scripture is true and that God has chosen to place him there for whatever reason.
I am not an Obama fan. (I choose to be the fan of no man - my allegiance is to the Lord Jesus only.) Nevertheless, scripture says I have a responsibility:
"I urge, then, first of all, that requests, prayers, intercession, and thanksgiving be made for everyone - for kings and all those in authority, that we may lead peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth. For there is one God and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, who gave himself as a ransom for all men - the testimony given in its proper time." I Timothy 2:1-6
As is true of all of us, Barak Obama is on a spiritual journey. He has also been placed in a place of authority. Would it not be the better part of wisdom to expend our energy praying for this man rather than protesting or creating crude and rude jokes?
It is God's will that all men come to a knowledge of the truth. My prayer is just that for Barak Obama - that he would be established firmly in the Lord Jesus Christ.

A Blessing in Disguise

2008-11-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

I wasn't sure about this day when it started. I was short on sleep and headachy (up late staying near the phone because of a sick son in Hutchinson) and had a list a mile long to accomplish in Salina (got behind on things when I was so sick.) So . . .I hit the ground running, accomplished a few things here, and headed out the door to begin my travels in town, only to discover. . . . .I had a very flat tire.

I will confess that at first I did NOT give thanks. . . . .I was IRRITATED! But. . . the Lord helped me shift gears and mindset. . . . . and I am having the most wonderful day. My house has been desperately in need of a good cleaning (especially with Thanksgiving approaching), and I am sorting and cleaning. My thoughts have turned from irritation to genuine thankfulness for our wonderful house and our wonderful life. I am very tired and still somewhat headachy so there is no where I would rather be than here with my furry little buddy cleaning house.

". . . . .your Heavenly Father knows what you need before you ask Him." Matt. 6:8

Yep. . . .I'll say He does!

Just Because

2008-11-10T05:29:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about the phrase "just because" this morning. Actually, I've been thinking about how often I am deceived in my thinking. I think what started my thinking was how sick I've been and how slow I'm recovering. "Just Because" I was exercising smartly and eating more wisely than ever in my life, I thought I wouldn't get sick, or at least not that sick. Hmmm. . . .wrong!
There has been a lot of wrong "just because" thinking in my life. "Just Because" I home schooled my kids, it didn't mean that I kept them completely from being wounded or deceived or from making wrong choices - they were and sometimes did. "Just because" I went to all the trouble of finding my birth-mom, it doesn't mean that she wanted to know me - she didn't. "Just because" I have opened my heart to someone and been committed to the relationship, it doesn't mean the love and commitment were automatically returned - it hasn't always been. "Just because" I truly gave it my all, it guaranteed success- I have failed numerous times. You get where I'm going with this?
But there is ONE "Just Because" that I KNOW always is and always will be true. "Just Because" Jesus shed His Blood for me and I accepted His Gift, I AM forgiven; I HAVE BEEN filled with His Holy Spirit of Promise; I AM totally and completely His and nothing can take me from His Hand.
There is that one "Just Because" that is always and forever and undeniably true.

Thankful

2008-11-09T08:27:00.000-08:00

This is the picture of a face that has seen a very rough week (the camera didn't capture how white and gray I really look). Last Monday I came down with some type of flu. Whoa! - a nasty one! (Sore throat, horrible headache, ear aches, congestion in head and chest, nausea, back and joint aches.) Then Wednesday afternoon, my husband came home with a 102 fever and the chills and proceeded to join me in the next recliner. It has definitely been a week. We are recovering, though still struggling with some symptoms and not near good health yet.

The scriptures say "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God for you. . . ".

I AM thankful.

I am thankful that I have been laid up. . . . .in a warm house. . . .with a soft blanket. . . .and plenty of fresh water to sip. . . . and a stove to make hot tea when I can't stand the sore throat. . . .and running hot water for a good shower to warm me up and clear my head. . . .and clean warm socks. . . .and Tylenol. . . . . .and chicken and rice soup. . . .and a vaporizer (and electricity to run it). . . .and my best friend across the room. . . . .and a sister-in-law/close friend in Texas and a son in Hutchinson calling consistently to check on me and encourage. . . . .and the Word of God in written form to encourage me. . . .and the Spirit of God within me to teach me. . . .

I am thankful that I have been laid up. When you are this sick, there is nothing to do but be quiet. . . .and listen. . . .and trust. Though my body looks and feels rough, my spirit feels lighter and "more educated". I think in the silence I have been taught and touched by my Lord.

I am so thankful!

Fall

2008-10-31T09:58:00.000-07:00

Isn't fall so neat!!!? Driving home this morning I was amazed at the diversity of colors. The trees, of course, are obvious. But even the pastures were amazing with the yellows, browns, rusts, and even whites in the dying grasses. Our God is amazing!

Mums the Word! (These were the "rejects" at the end of last year from Lowes. I think we paid about $0.25 each. They are starting to shine this week.)

We harvested our Roma tomatoes before the first frost and can't eat off the kitchen table because of God's bounty. They are ripening a few at a time - how perfect. . . .and yummy!

"Sunbathers"

I've Been Blessed

2008-10-12T14:03:00.000-07:00

Matt and Logan

Logan and Matt in their
biking gear after our lunch together.

When this weekend was approaching, Dick and I had our list of plans arranged, those things that we had to get repaired on the outside of the house before winter sets in. However, it is the end of the weekend. . . .and we haven't gotten one thing done. Instead, we're rejoicing and basking in how much God chose to bless us this weekend.

Over the past three days, we've gotten to see all of our kids and grandkids - both of our beautiful daughters Shannon and Logan, our handsome son Zac, both of our "couldn't-be-more-special" son-in-laws Luke and Matt, our outstanding grandson Zane, and even our "grand-doggies" from Nebraska, Domino, Bear, and Sampson.

As I think back over the past couple of days, I find myself tearing up. Zac came home for a short time just to "catch up" and to hug us, make us laugh, and discuss some "real life" stuff with us. He went with us to Zane's football game Saturday where we got to visit with Shannon and Luke (and some of Luke's wonderful family). We watched Zane's game, joked with Luke, chatted with Shannon, and even cuddled and teased with Zane while he was on the sidelines.

Then Sunday Logan called, and she and Matt were at Matt's parent's home. Dick and I went there and visited with some of Matt's wonderful family and played with our "grand-doggies". We then met Matt and Logan for lunch. It was great to catch up, to hear how well they're doing, and to see Matt for the first time since his return from Kuwait.

All-in-all, it was a truly wonderful weekend. I love my kids so much!! My daughters are beautiful, sweet, wonderful women who have chosen wisely in their mates and have married the most wonderful young men. Our son is turning into a wonderful man who has a real heart for the Lord and for people. I've spoken in a previous post of how perfect our grandson Zane is. Even our grand-doggies have grown into sweet loving dogs that I adore.

And to top it all off, I'm married to my best friend.

Today is a day in which I feel so overwhelmed at how much I (we) have been blessed.

Domino
Bear
Sampson

Scary

2008-10-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Darth Pumpkin!!

Waiting

2008-10-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been "something". Since August, I have been attempting to go back to school to finish a degree. I settled on a college that has online education and an open enrollment (which means you can begin any time during the year), and I have been attempting to get the ball rolling. Well. . . .it's been a train wreck. Everything has happened from my email being recorded wrong to my transcripts getting lost. I've spent time waiting for things that didn't happen and info that wasn't gjven. Then I was given information this week that really frustrated me and it was info that I should have been told in the beginning. It basically gave me a bigger picture that this is NOT the college I want to be at.

Needless to say, I was EXTREMELY disillusioned one afternoon and crying out to the Lord. I thought this was the avenue I was to take. It seems like the whole "college try" has been one closed door after another. I was crying out "Lord, what would You have me to do?" And. . . . . .I looked up. On our wall is this tapestry that I was given while coaching basketball. It has Isaiah 40:31 on it. And it hit me like a strong wind filling a sail. . . . ..wait. I am to wait. Plain and simple - wait on the Lord. The tapestry has been there a few years and I see it almost every day. But in that moment, I SAW it and I KNOW that is my answer and direction.

So. . . .I am waiting. Safe in my Heavenly Daddy's Arms. Snuggling into His Embrace. Doing each day what is before me to do. Renewing my strength. And Waiting until He says "Okay, now get up and move this direction."

I love it when a plan comes together. Now I know what I'm supposed to do. . . .wait.

"Those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

Quiet Longing

2008-09-30T05:34:00.000-07:00

While hiking in Colorado in July, we discovered this pond in the middle of the mountains. I've never experienced such stillness and silence. It was almost surreal.

Today as I'm preparing to do some leg work to try to get the "next step" things figured out, I find myself longing to return to this place. While we were at the pond, we had "let go" of everything else and were just in the moment and the peace.

I'm wondering if the check book could handle another few vacation days and a bit of hiking?

A Wonderful Day

2008-09-27T10:02:00.001-07:00

Today was a really fun day. We went to

Inman to watch our son Zac run his first 1/2 marathon (for those of you who don't know, that's 13.1 miles). It was an awesome morning. We were there when he started; we met him at various spots to cheer him on; and. . . . . .he took first place at the end!!!

It was just such a beautiful morning for his run and he did so well. When I went to marathons years ago with my husband, I discovered that runners are usually really nice people. The people at this race were no exception - they were first class. What a truly great day. . . . .and, Zac came home with us - his first trip home since he started school this year. Yeah!!!

Breathing

2008-09-25T16:05:00.000-07:00

I've been working to change some things in my life lately. I'm eating differently. I'm doing yoga almost daily. (That in itself could make a very comical blog.) And I'm learning to "breathe". I don't just mean the deep breathing in yoga. I'm trying to take time each day to just sit and be quiet - to quiet my mind, spirit, and body. Those moments of stillness are wonderful. It says in scripture, "Be still and know that I am God". There seems to be a knowing and a surrender in stillness, a drawing closer to the Lord.

Sometimes I take those "still moments" outside. I sit in a lawn chair, close my eyes, and listen to the wind and the things around me-the trees and grasses rustling, the birds, the insects. (I think my body is also benefiting from the extra vitamin D that I'm absorbing.)

Our apple and pear trees have had fruit on them lately, so many times when I'm done relaxing, I'll walk over and pick a very fresh piece of fruit and enjoy. It's truly wonderfulicious to stand in the shade, calm and relaxed, tasting the sweet warm flesh of a pear while the juice runs down my chin.

Sometimes I'm almost overwhelmed by God's many blessings.

God's Eyes

2008-09-22T13:25:00.000-07:00

When it comes to plants and flowers, I think my husband has "God's eyes". Many, many times he has taken plants that others saw as dead or ready for compost, and he has brought them to health and beauty.

These pictures are of some pampas grasses in our yard. About 4 or 5 years ago, Richard brought home some clumps of what appeared to be straw and dried dirt. He had gotten them out of the dumpster at work where the grounds keepers had thrown them after digging them up. He was so excited to show me on each clump where, if you looked really hard, you could see the slightest sliver of green. (Sometimes, even looking hard. . . .well, it was difficult to find.) But to Richard, it meant there was still hope of life. So, he planted and nurtured. . . . .and now we enjoy these rich beautiful grasses that are taller than side of our shed.

I sat outside today and watched the pampas grasses blowing and bending in the wind. They were a wonderful reminder of, not only my husband's "gift", but also "God's eyes". I am so glad that the Father holds out hope when everyone else might have given up. I'm so glad that He takes what appears useless and plants and nurtures and brings forth beauty and life.

Quote from a Sermon

2008-09-20T15:13:00.001-07:00

I really liked this quote from a sermon I heard last week and wanted to share it. I'm making a copy to hang on my fridge to be a daily reminder of where my focus needs to be.

"My security comes from God. . . You as a human being, it's going to be like the stock market. Sometimes you're going to be up in people's sight. Sometimes you're going to be down in people's sight. But ultimately, if you're a Christ follower, it's God Who takes care of you. And I've learned I don't have to win every arguement; I don't have to be proven right on every point; I don't always have to have people see things the way I see things. God will take care of that. My security comes from God."
-Pastor Mark Hoover